Faux Friends

This post came about when I was having a conversation with some friends about friendship and the complex dynamics that exist between friendships with other women. I wanted to write about a subject no one likes to talk about. Keep reading...

The word Faux, is great when it refers to fur or some other inanimate object. I have a faux fur hanging in my closet, it is beautiful, it keeps me warm and you would never know it wasn’t real fur unless I told you. Deep down at the core of those fibers that make my faux fur jacket look like the real thing, it is fake.

Artificial.

Fake friends are just like that.  They look and feel real, but they are not. The danger in faux friends is that they are worse than enemies. At least with an enemy you know where they are coming from, with a fake friend, they secretly dislike you, but you are oblivious to that fact because they pretend they are your friend.

A real friendship is like a palm tree, it bends, sways, even through challenges, but it never breaks. And if you are lucky, you have a friend like a cedar tree in Lebanon, it thrives forever. If you have even one friendship like this, consider yourself very blessed.

Friendships with women are priceless, deep, emotional and challenging, but sometimes too much estrogen is a bad thing. I was having a conversation with a male friend of mine and he said that women are always competing with each other and he stated that male friendships don’t have that dynamic.  He said that our friendships are laced with envy and her ugly sister, jealousy.

I had to ponder that for a moment and then I realized that over the years I have experienced friendships that I thought were genuine and then years later I discovered that some of those friends didn't really like me. And there were those that were not well wishers but pretended that they were.

If you want to experience that one, just announce your engagement and watch what unravels when you plan your wedding.  And there were the ones that always had something negative to say. Dream snatchers is what I call them. and this soapbox woud not be complete if I didn't mention the ones that made everything a competition.  Of course by the time I realized some of these things, I was already emotionally attached because I let them get close to me not knowing that they weren't genuine.

Has that ever happened to you?

The challenge in spotting a faux friendship that is not in your best interest, is that when you are too close to it, you don’t see clearly.  Or the friendship is like an old pair of clothing, or shoes that you just don’t want to donate or trash because you think they are going to come back in style at some point and then you can wear it again.  But here is the caveat, if and when it does come back in Vogue, do you really want to wear it?

Here are some of the telltale signs of faux friends:

• Phone calls only to talk about what is going on in their life, but icy indifference when it comes to yours

• Around for the good times, but when you go through the storm you cant find them in the daytime with a flashlight. The flip side of this is the old mantra that misery loves company. There are also those that love it when you are down and the minute things shift for you, they can’t stand it

• And this classic trait, they smile in your face but they talk about you behind your back

• They ignore your victories

• When you accomplish something impressive green foam comes out of their mouth.  They would rather ignore your accomplishments than celebrate them with you

• They use personal things you revealed about yourself and all of your weaknesses against you

• They are happy with your gifts and your blessings as long as you don’t pass them up on the freeway of life. Did u get that?

And now the signs of a real friend

• A shoulder for your tears and champagne for your victories

• They are genuinely concerned about you and show it through action

• When the storm comes they provide an umbrella and then walk with you until the sun rises again

• They are happy when you are thriving, in fact they are as happy for you as they would be for themselves

• They don’t allow trivial matters to contaminate your friendship

• They are not jealous hearted and are thrilled at your accomplishments

• They want the best for you

• They know what is going on in your life because they stay in contact with you through real person to person contact

And what about those shades of gray? The friendships you can’t quite classify? Here are a few ways to gain clarity.  Think about the last time they picked up the phone and actually called you.  If they asked how you were, was that a platitude, or did they really care about the answer?

Life is too short for faux friends. Do you have any hanging in your closet?

 Talk to me...  Tell me your thoughts.